(I can't do it myself)

I don’t get it. Or maybe I don’t want to get it. Why is it that everyone is surprised to learn I act certain ways? Am I that transparent? Is it truly that I have a new nature and that my idea of image isn’t natural anymore?

I am mad. Mad that I cannot do the things I want to do. Mad that something has taken me over once again. Mad that I can feel my love fading. That I am becoming dependant and possessive once again. Mad that the image I see myself having is not reality. Mad that I can’t have it my way. Damn this mindset… is there any hope for such a wretched soul that will cling to fragments of broken dreams rather than live life in the spirit and be fulfilled?

How can I cling to such emptiness when life is there for the taking? I can’t seem to let go. What is holding me? Fear? Unbelief. I don’t believe that what God’s idea of my image and character will look like will be anything I will want or can handle. Here I thought I was doing well…hmm maybe God is just taking me down another notch.

Here is a thought: Why can’t I be happy doing what I want to do? Cuz it’s not me.
It’s not as though I don’t know what I should do or need to do. I know. I just don’t know why I have to give up. Damn this proud, stubborn streak. I am just like a spoiled brat. Why am I suddenly afraid of God? Have I forgotten who He is? How He is?
I find myself jealous of others again. Those who seem to sin and get away with it, be ok with it. I should look at it as God’s grace I am not hardened. It is His Grace that I am frustrated at this separation. It is His love that is calling me. Calling me to take shelter in His wings, and upon the rock

May His ability be my strength and His sovereignty, my peace.