Mercy

You know there comes a time when the little things that have been neglected, especially the simple things, come to the surface and disrupt my life. That ripple on my otherwise fairly calm surface ripples out and affects every area of my life. It could be that I have forgotten or put off a particular task, but more often than not, it is the emotional backwash of ignoring or suppressing bothersome cracks in the façade of expectations. Expectations of what life should look like or be like. Expectations that someday things will get a lot easier and while I hold my breath, I slowly realize that “someday” isn’t in this lifetime. Something feels off, feels wrong. The kingdom I have built for myself is suddenly a mist, something easily blown away. Refusing to accept this, I am forced to deceive myself into believing I can still control something. Note: I can’t.

What am I talking about? Pride. The root of most sin, if not all. I realize I have been coasting along thinking I am doing it myself and can keep up the pace and deception of control. I start noticing that I don’t want to change in little ways, then in bigger ways. I don’t feel like exerting the energy of self-control or want to be nice to stupid people.

Escape is the next step. Music, food, friends, movies, etc. Anything to numb my brain and quell the disconcerting rumblings in my heart. (Read: conviction) Everything seems to stress me out.

My internal babble builds its tower:
Wait. Did that bible just move? I could’ve sworn it did. Oh well I am imagining it. What do you mean I don’t seem myself lately? Things couldn’t be better. I just have a lot on my plate, that’s all. Stress??? Naw…maybe just a little. But it’s ok, I just need to sleep. Oh wait, I can’t sleep. Hmmm… Well if people didn’t make so much stinkin noise…

See what I mean? Then it dawns on me that One itsy, bitsy piece has been missing and throwing me way off balance. (chaos theory comes into play) I am forgetting God. I have forgotten that He is the one who sustains me, who gives me strength and breath and life. I have forgotten to be grateful and am uncomfortable in the old skin of my former life. Gratefully, I repent and turn and God is so gracious and ready to forgive. I don’t deserve it, but then again, isn’t that what (wonderful) mercy is?