God? (echo) Are you there? (echo....echo....echo)

I am a mess. It's official.

The straw that broke the camel's back: I wigged out last night after learning that my bank has screwed me over for the zillionth time. My folks were going to pay me today for the work I have been doing for them (chopping baseboards, finishing floors, caulking, etc), but instead I ended up having to borrow a large sum of money due to aforementioned bank snafu. I had to call and apologize to my father before I went to bed for assuming he had to help me without giving him that choice and freaking out on him. He took it pretty well all in all.

Then I had to talk to God again, cuz I went ballistic. I don't know WHAT He is doing and I feel like I am spinning out of control (as if I really had any to begin with). The putrid garbage that spewed from my raging soul was indicitive enough of a cancer that has been eating away at me for a while now. I am demanding answers and that is probably not my place.

What I don't understand is this:
God PROMISES abundant life. I know about it, I have lived it, where is it? what is missing?

God promises that all those who hope in Him will never be put to shame. I feel like all hope is succeded by disappointment. Right now I am examining whether the hope I have is truly in God or just in His gifts.

Thirdly, I feel that God is the one who told me to start this business and quit driving buses. I took that step in faith and fell down a long steep dark cliff. I know that "without faith it is impossible to please God". So right now I couldn't do anything right if I wanted to. And I do want to.

Actually, though it doesn't sound like it, I am doing better than I have been in a while. I don't feel as dead and numb and indifferent. It's being replaced with rage and sorrow and pain. And though this is a step forward, I am not liking myself any more for it.