I forgot to take my meds....jk

I realized tonight as I was sitting in front of the TV trying to numb my brain, that I am acting a lot like having PTSD. This is an old fallback of mine, but weird that I haven't recognized it till now. I have been this way and getting worse over the last few months.

I did attempt church today. By attempt I mean I showed up at church, but couldn't sing except one song and The message was good but was feeling kinda "out-of-body", surreal. I am numb and raging alternately lately and hating myself for it. I don't know what is wrong. Oh God, help me.

Did that sound dramatic? Sorry. No drama intended. That is about as real as it gets right now. I know God is in control, but does He really care? In one instance or another we must answer this question in life. That is my passion (if I even have one), to find an answer from the One who must be putting me through this for a reason.