Blight of the bubbleburst

I have been so busy (do I start all my blogs this way?) helping my friend pack to move to Denver, getting a garage sale together and sold, and hustle every ounce of work I can in order to make rent. This is only part of the reason I haven't blogged lately. The other is a much more serious matter.

I am empty yet full
feeling everything but numb
not alone but very lonely

This is the blight that has crept over my life as of the last couple of months, shrouding everything I think and do. All my actions seem tainted, and inspite of good intentions, somehow seem wrong. I know in my head that it is part of fallen man that we will be dogged by sin. What I don't understand is what I do and how I act. I have a growing hatred for all the putrid crap in my head and heart and myself entirely. What the f@#*?

I know that Christ is the cure, but the cross seems far away and I have forgotten Grace and Love. I only have a vague memory of joy and peace. I want that back. DESPERATELY want that back. Is it really that difficult or am I just blind?