New Attitude

Ok. So I have been so busy getting ready to move and busy trying to forget about it too.
I don't know why I keep pretending that life is normal and nothing is changing because everything is.

I went to a conference called New Attitude last weekend. The theme of the whole conference was "Is He (Jesus) enough?"

God really met me in some interesting ways. One of the sermons was given by Dr. Al Mohler, Director of Southern Baptist Theological something or another... on marriage and counter-culturism. I realized how much of my own life has been spent with a worldly view of marriage and being single.
I agreed with everything Dr. Mohler said and thought it was very thought provoking. Previously I have not really struggled with the topic of marriage because I was convinced that I was happy being single for the rest of my life. However, during this message, I was challanged by the thought "Wait a minute, being single for the rest of my life means being celibate for the rest of my life...I don't want that!". Was there really only two choices? Did God really create me for marriage? Was my only other choice the "gift of celibacy"?

I left the meeting with these questions, but by the time I was at lunch, there was a distinct rage warring in my heart. Not understanding why, I sought the Lord, asking Him to reveal what this irrational anger was about. Everything I heard was excellent and I agreed with it. Even the little bit of conviction wasn't enough to warrant such a rage.

I had a fever and was sick so I slept during the afternoon session and my fever broke about 20 minutes before the evening session started. So I went.

During worship, I prayed. "Lord you deserve this praise and I am praising you. But my heart is still angry and I don't know why, and I don't want it this way. I want to praise with my whole being. I want reconciliation. Please show me what is wrong."

Well, God started to reveal things. (DUH!) He said, "Do you remember when you were young?"
"No, Lord, you know I have very little memory of when I was young."
"You made a vow when you were young never to get married."
"I did?"
He brought back a memory of a particular bad night where my mom was trying to leave and my dad wouldn't let her and she was having an emotional breakdown. (My parents are Christians and I grew up in a "Christian" home, but not a very godly one.) He showed me at that moment I said to myself that I was never going to pass on this evil cycle of unresolved conflict and abuse and in order to do that, I was never going to get married or have children. I knew that I would not be able to (in my sinful state) keep myself from repeating the same behavior I hated so much. So I had sought to stop it the only way I knew how. In my own strength.

He also revealed that this was a major source of the depression (at times suicidal) that I have been fighting ever since I could remember. I had surpressed and denied this God-given desire to be married.

As worship continued, He gently said, " Allow my grace to work in this area of your life."
I repented and put my trust in Him. Then CJ gave a teaching on cravings and how they induce conflicts (from James 4:1-2). It gave me hope that conflicts are not that complicated and they can be resolved much easier than I think. I am hopeful once again and it is by God's grace I stand. I am more free than ever and I know that HE IS ENOUGH.