I have been a bit AWOL lately...

Besides insane schedules, which I am sure nearly everyone has this time of year, I am freaking out just a bit about the upcoming move in January. I feel it is coming much faster than I would like. But that is just because I am rather comfortable where I am and afraid of this new chapter. This is somewhat unlike me. I usually love adventure and new things, for fear of all things stale. I am happy to go back to my family.

My real holdout (honestly) is fear of doing the things that I have wanted to do for so long. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. But somehow, I know that won't happen and I will get to do my art and have a real relationship with my mom. That is truly frightening.

This fear, which is being revealed more day by day, is triggering my old enemy Insanity. I at first thought I was just being hyper, but no. I am falling apart, due mainly to my tenacious hold of self-deception. I just read four books and they all spoke to me...rather God spoke to me through them.

The first three books were a series by Calvin Miller called "The Singer", "The Song", and "The Finale", respectively. The first is based on the story of Jesus' life, the second on the book of Acts, and the third on Revelation. In "The Singer" Jesus (the Singer) wants to heal a cripple, but the cripple insists that Jesus is being rude to even suggest such hope to a futile case such as his. Sometimes I think this way about God and not just for my health, but for all my well-being.

The fourth book I read was "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis. In it a ghost from the region of hell visited the outskirts of heaven with a bunch of others. The ghost relates the different conversations that he overhears and observes. These conversations are between his fellow "hellions" and the Spirits from Heaven. In each case, there is something good, twisted on earth, and various people did not want to let go of their idea of what was real...

All that to say I feel that tenacious clinging to how I think reality should be and it wars with what God says reality is. That is where the insanity comes in. It is really just my fleshly desires battling the thought that God actually cares and is for my good.

"Oh God save me from myself!"