me·di·oc·ri·ty:

def.- AVERAGENESS - a quality that is acceptable but not very good

Ever get to a point in your life where it feels like you are just spinning your wheels? I am there and I am fed up. On the outside my life looks good. Good job, pays my bills, good relationship, isn't finding love what it's all about? Hmmm... There is still something missing. Huge something.

The emptiness inside is growing and gnawing at the edges of my mind. It pricks me while I am at work and in my sleep it roars in nightmares and physical pain. I thought finding someone to love would end all that, but has only intensified it. Is it possible to be unequally yoked even though you both are Christians? It seems that the divide between us spiritually grows ever deeper. And as I try to span it, out of fear of the inevitable, my heart is ripping into two.

I have everything I wanted and yet feel unfullfilled and lost. I miss God in my everyday life, I know that is a huge part of it. I seem to have lost my bearings in the middle of the ocean and it has been cloudy for months. I am running out of reserve. Surviving on old revelation and feeding on rotten crumbs of supposed truth. Is there any hope for me?

I want to get away from this life, look at it from a distance, see it for what it really is. Shred it if it is rotten and start over. Quit obsessing if it is good and commit to being a part of my own life. So tired of hiding from myself and others and God. It just perpetuates the shame and loneliness of isolation and degradation into someone I do not recognize...