trouble in boy town

Boy #1 - Jim

This is the guy I went on a blind date with a few weeks back. Since then we have gone on several dates. He is a nice guy, but here is the issue(s). A ittle too nice, too straight edge, too shy, and incredibly too geeky. In regards the the last one, I don't mind geeks but this guy is an IT tech which means computers are his LIFE. I refuse to be second to a computer in a relationship. My mom had a marriage like that, and I certainly don't want that. Our last date was last night (sat). It was a semi-formal Christmas work party for his job. It was another double date with the same friends who set us up in the first place. Now I get the distinct feeling that he is not that interested in me, but I am going to have a talk with him about it. He didn't introduce me but a few times all night and barely mentioned how nice I looked and was rarely ever at the table we were at. I got the feeling he was uncomfortable with me and everything feels forced. THis all may sound semi-petty, but seriously.
He is so not my type its scary. Not spontaneous, outgoing, (though he does have a decent sense of humor), really quiet. It's like we can't think of anything to talk about. Anyway enough said.

Boy #2 - Carl

Ok this one is a weird story. I work at this place driving trucks. Well it turns out that I am the only woman truck driver there. This means I have had a few offers to go out. One guy, Carl asked me last week if I were married and would I like to go out sometime. I said no, and sure I would be open to hanging out. Well I didn't see him until just yesterday. When I did, he asked for my number-and as I was ready to pull out of the dock, he came up to my truck and said the following, "We aren't in High School anymore, so just to get this straight, I am looking to get busy." My internal jaw dropped at his bluntness, but I appreciate that in anyone, so I replied,"I am not going to have sex until I am married." To which he replied as he walked off, "Ok, well we'll just have some fun then." (isn't that very high schoolish anyway?)

Ok so my dilemna is this: THis is like playing with fire and ice. I know I can choose not to continue either one. But here is the clincher: Carl is friggin handsome and a heap of trouble. And (pardon my frankness) would I like to hit that. I am a pyro after all.

Pray for me peeps. I'm on the edge of the deep end and preparing to dive. I know its wrong, but all the scriptures in the world may not be able to rescue me from this cliff.

This is not good timing. December is the hardest month of the year for me and for some reason this year its even harder. I have not been so tempted into my old lifestyle as I have been these last couple of weeks. You name it, I have been tempted: drugs, sex, money, drinking, I've smoked an insane amount of cigarettes just to deal. Anything to kill the pain, make it stop, or at least make me numb, to silence the voices and keep insanity at bay.

And my quiet times are fine, thank you. If you are still reading this, you truly are a friend. And I will probably be fine tomorrow. Just had to vent.