Don't read this post, it sucks.

Disease sucks. I absolutely hate this part of the fall. It takes out more loved ones than I want to think about. We live in this fallen world with these perishing bodies, yet I seem surprised when death is happening. But what disturbs me is on a whole other level. Let me try to explain. I believe that we were created for perfection. We must have been. We all have a sense when something is not "right". It's the feeling you get when something falls short of an ideal. That there is something wrong with the world and you can't quite put your finger on it. When you see something beautiful and discover a deep sadness welling up. Death is unnatural, even though we (as a human race) have never experienced the lack of death.

Today was one of those days that every minute seemed laden with effort. It snowed on my shift last night, my sleep was troubled, I was irritable this afternoon at work, spent two hours at my parents' house and came away so sad and frustrated. Even in my sleep I had a dream that I got in a fist fight with one of my friend's dad. He was being just aweful and I said something and he threw a punch and that was it.

I feel as if I am doing everything wrong and there is this pervading sense of guilt about life that I can't seem to shake. It feels like the old demons are mad-dogging my hearts door and I can't find my proverbial earplugs.