long weekend

The viewing for my friend Deb was tonight. It was so weird to see her in a casket. What morbid curiousity compels us to do this? It didn't even really look like her. It really is just a shell. In fact, I don't think I ever saw her laying down or still. She was always on the move. She ate up life like there was no tomorrow.

I had to go to drama practice right after the viewing to practice comedy sketches. I think I have just come to hate certain types of "drama". Namely, our church's drama. The sketches we are working on are actually pretty funny, but it has taken a lot of discussion and overiding of the leader (not me) in order to get there and I think he is really put out. I actually wrote to him before all this and discussed the possibility of me dropping out. He promptly wrote me into 2 acts. Then added two more. Now I am in a dilema. Do I just out and out drop out? Or just stick with this until Dec 10th performance and then adios?

This is the crux of the situation right now. It is not just that I am grieving (which I am) or that I truly hate drama. I am having major issues with church in general and the fact that every time I go to church it makes me want to run away or slash my wrists.

I realize this is irrational, but where do I take it from here? If I ask the pastors, I may not trust them because they are part of "them" (the whole them and us thing). I don't trust physcologists either. I think most of them are good at peeling the onion but don't have any tissues or ways to build what they have torn down. In general, I feel disconnected, pissed off, and confused about what church is really about and my role in it. Is it just a facade? A time to make one feel good about their spiritual life so they can carry on another week? Maybe its the margarita talking but I really am frustrated at the whole scene now. It wouldn't be so bad if I actually didn't care, but I do. I do believe that fellowship, true fellowship is crucial to growth. I believe that God has instituted church to grow us into mature Christians and there shouldn't be lone rangers. BUT, please God, wtf do you want from me and for me?

I NEED life. Not some crap plastic fruit life, but REAL honest life.