Life can be so dirty...

I am just now recovering from a weekend of hell. A crisis of faith some call it. I realized that I no longer knew what love is or what it looked like and felt utterly lost. What started it was my trip to Vegas a couple of weeks ago. Then I went to Denver almost immediately after. I discovered upon returning completely broke, that not only had I spent my small amount of money (not that foolishly mind you, but spent all the same), but I had excluded the One who "meant" so much to me. In fact, I went out of my way to not involve him. Brushing those ugly thoughts aside became easy when I came home from Denver to complete panic. Apparently, (as I believe I wrote in a blog already) I forgot to inform people that I was going to stay an extra day. Some sister of mine called a certain mother who in turn panicked my roomates.

My roomies were worried and I got really pissed off. I went to bed after feigning apologies and stewed. I am 31 and have been on my own for 15 years. I don't have to answer to anyone about my whereabouts. What happened to freedom? I warned my roomates when I moved in that they wouldn't always know where I was at any given moment. That was kinda what started this.

My attitude got worse the next day, when my roomie called me a rebellious child. In play, but the words stung like needles. Two nights I did not sleep, with horrible violent nightmares. I stressed and pleaded with God but heard nothing. I realized in aweful certainty that my finances were screwed. I tried bargaining with Him.

I quit smoking. again.

I decided to try going to church. again.

I decided that drugs were too expensive for my *cough* budget.

Then the three uglies reared their heads. Unbelief, false belief, and condemnation.
The unbelief seems obvious to me as I write this. The false belief is that God sees all and so doesn't care one iota, rather he seems to enjoy watching the suffering. This belief causes utmost despair in my heart. Almost to the consideration of relieving the pain once and for all. Condemnation that I will never measure up, I can never do enough good to please this sadistic God I serve.

To top this all off I had to go to a party celebrating the one year anniversary of the love of my life...who is married to someone else now. I hadn't seen the wedding because it was out of state. This was kind of a reception for those who didn't make it to the wedding. My mom told me a couple of hours before it took place, so I really didn't have time to think of the impact it would have. Devestation would be a better word. It was one of those fierce windy rains both inside and outside. He always had such a beautiful smile.
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I know I wrote here in the margins that I was reading the Ragamuffin Gospel.

But I lied.

I just started it a couple of days ago. Although I am in better spirits than a couple of days ago, I still have a long way out of this current hole I have fallen into. I have only to believe. But that seems the hardest thing to do.