Well when you build (or try to buy) a house on sand...

I was going to change the title to my blog, but today it seems appropriate. I am alternately at peace and really bummed out at an unfulfilled expectation. I don't know what I was thinking.

Let me backtrack a bit. The last thing I know that God told me to do was stay at home for a year. That year was up as of the 20th. but who is counting?

ANYWAY, I have been looking for a place to move into in April. Something came up a couple of days ago that looked like an awesome opportunity to actually own something and pay way less than renting. It was the perfect fulfillment of all the things I wanted and I thought that maybe this was totally God blessing me. I went to the loan officer's office this morning only to be ruefully awakened to my sad state of financial affairs by being stolidly turned down. Not that this came as a total shock, but I have been working on getting my finances in order for a while it seems. But there was this tiny (read: huge) problem with a medical bill I have been ignoring due to its monstrosity and my feeling helpless to deal with it. If it wasn't for that I would have been approved for this loan...

No deal.

Ah well...in retrospec I realized I had set my heart on this too quickly and easily. I was what I wanted. It was (as I had put so eloquently) what I NEEDED. (insert constipated face)

Tis a sad state of affairs when my heart so covets that I am left devastated and depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts over an idea of a place. Not the place itself mind you. It was the idea and taste of so-called freedom that had lodged itself so solidly. Showing my desparation of escape from the pressures of the current conditions of my home life, my heart was quick to follow after a withering vine (see Job) and bitterly complain when it didn't happen.

BTW, God has been working on my heart all day. I am so much better now. I think I might even sleep. But the desparation lingers.