Difficulty in Just Breathing

I know it's late. It is 2am Tuesday morning in fact. But I just have to get some of these thoughts down so I can sleep. I just got back from a semi-spontaneous trip to Las Vegas that started as a final decision by my parents late last thursday. We left first thing in the morning.

That's when it all started. Not to harp on a heretofore mentioned issue (namely my father), but this certain parental unit acted a whopping age of 6 on the drive up to LV. Complaining the whole way that we were going over bumps, about the temperature, about the music being too loud and etc. He couldn't help drive (because he can't use his hands) but he can type on his laptop. I guess I shouldn't say anything though, he did pay for the gas there and back.

But that wasn't really what I need to get off my chest. I just need to say that I really am sick of people having to die. My friend called me early Saturday morn to tell me that the family of our good friend Tommie, was pulling the life support. Tommie was my outreach leader when I was in YWAM. She was a good friend of mine and I knew her family. They are all Kiowa Native Americans in Lawton/Apache OK. She has been suffering with cancer for a while now. I am glad she is at peace.

This news came on the heels of finding out that my grandfather's (Steve's) prostate cancer has gotten worse. He looked aweful. He spent the entire weekend (as he has for many weeks now) on the toilet and in great pain. He is still grieving deeply b/c of his wife's torturous passing this last summer. I still expected to see my Granny around every corner all weekend, as this was my first visit to the house since the funeral. I was so out of it then from being so sick, that I didn't have time to digest the fact that she was gone. So I ended up bearing a good bit this trip.

In the last 14 months I have lost 5 ppl I love. My heart is a lump. My sister told me that my Granny's funeral was the first funeral she had ever been to. She is 28. I didn't believe her at first because I have lost count of the funerals I have been to. If I were to guess, it would be about 20-25 ppl. Grief is a familiar companion.

But that is why I am here in NM. To be closer to family. To grow the relationships I do have while I still have them around. Like my grandpa. And my parents. Which brings me to a prayer request.
"Please Lord, I want to have your heart and love for my family...especially my dad, whom I seem to have the most difficulty loving. I know you loved the unlovables, please show me how to love my father. Even if I don't like him. Amen"