little bit o' heaven and hell

oooohh..my first travel booking!
Finally after a whole week of business
Someone bought a vacation package!!!

For those of you reading this thinking,
what in the ...Hey?
Yes I am a travel agent.
My site goes up tomorrow
hopefully

I heard from 3 good friends today
loneliness is chased away

Of course, my biggest issue of late has been getting confused as to where exactly I live (in my head). Whenever I think of going to Wal-Mart or something, I think about where it is located and go to leave and realize that all along I was thinking of the one in Germantown, MD. In my head I will think I am in one place, only to find out I am in another. I hope this disorientation isn't permanent.

Actually, it isn't permanent.

I had my first minor conflict this morning with my dad.

He has this horrible habit (as I have mentioned before) of ambushing me. This is especially disconcerting in the morning, where I am greeted with a very loud, cheery "Good Morning" on my way to the toilet. If I do not respond, then he will repeat this greeting even louder as I come out of the bathroom. (Isn't there a proverb about this?) The "ambush" is set up the same every day, so I have the luxury of dreading this when I first wake up. Increasingly frustrating is that I don't think of God anymore when I awaken. My first thoughts are MURDER.

Anyone who knows me knows I don't do much but grunt before 10am or my third cup of coffee, whichever comes first.

Well, this morning after being cheerfully greeted, at the end of an incredibly difficult night with much pain and little sleep, I slammed the bathroom door and silently fumed. I heard my dad mumble, "She hates it when I do that". That was it.

I didn't know that my old prideful nature was that awake...I kinda wish I was. I asked him why he does that if he knows i hate it. And would he please, in the interest of peace and to keep me from hurting him, not do that. What I should've asked was that he would not provoke me by being so damn cheerful. I did say that, but not so succinctly, and definitely more prideful than neccesary. He was defensive and was manipulatively hurt. "fine. If that's what you want." Mom surprised me by jumping in and saying that he really does talk loudly in the mornings and is way too chipper on the days he isn't in pain. I guess he used to do it to her too.

Afterwards, I went to my room, fuming. still crying. I cleaned my room, but then just sat on my bed and cried big silent tears. What is wrong with me God? Why do I care? But I did and I do. Somewhere deep inside I want things between my father and I to be different. Instead I am demanding and he is provoking and defensive. I don't want to hate my father. But things like this affect the way I relate to him every day. He wakes me up almost every morning and I struggle with bitterness and frustration for the rest of the day. He speaks and he doesn't think about it again. He speaks and I am a little kid again, wishing he would just think about something other than himself for once. I seem to be asking for forgiveness a lot lately, Lord.

It is Prov 27:14 if anyone cares.