Sat Jul 26
SPIRITUAL ANOREXIA

Today was the prime example of who I am without Christ. I think I served every idol in my life that day... Chiefly, myself.

I noticed a few things about almost absolute failure.

1. I didn't have a quiet time, listen to God, or even throw a thought His way.

2. Though a failure of flesh, I had the unmistakable understanding at the end.

3. I recognize now that there is nothing I do, even with the best intentions, that isn't tainted with sin.

4. And I am my biggest god. I am frustrated always when things do not go the way I want. I want glory and honor and praise for all that I do. When I don't do well I tend to treat myself harshly as I would anyone who would stand in my way. It is like a little demonic aspect. I want to be god and most days I believe I am or can be. PATHETIC.

The reason I said "almost absolute failure" is because I did actually learn something from it and I never lost hope in God.
That might be considered a battle won in and of itself.

I wrote something about that on my journal wall.

SPIRITUAL ANOREXIA
(The God I need to feed on
became a poison in my mind)
This is my angry turning from the truth

So much wasted time
I am beginning to understand
That it is my lusts that
Keep me confined, angry
At being trapped
Prostrating my soul
To temporary temples and
Idols man-made and established
In my head
In my heart
PUT IT TO DEATH
Sex, Drugs, Rock 'N' Roll
Plus Money, Comfort, Pleasure
Looks, Image, Pain, Past