I feel like a part of me is dying and I am not quite sure if it is a good thing or bad, or even if I like it or not. I feel trapped in this state. Like all colors have turned dull and taken on a greyish tint. What I mean is this: I am now so full of pride and envy that it tints and greys out the joys of life. There is a verse in James 4 that talks about a wisdom that comes from "bitter envy" and selfish ambition. Thinking I am wiser than most has taken all the fun in life and mashed into a grey, stinking pool of filth.

Bitter envy...Of what?

Skinny people
healthy people
Stupid suburban yuppies with their "neat" little lives: nice car, nice house, 2.4 kids, and hell is what they live with to get it.
Cool-looking rock stars who can do what they want with little or no concience.

When it seems all I want is my health and a purpose for life. Someone told me today that is he were sick like me he wouldn't be able to stand it, not knowing how he could improve his life or not having any option to do so. The issue is deeper than that however. I am not willing to pick up the pieces of a world that has consistantly been shattered beyond recognition. My dreams lay in the long forgotten dust and my hope has been crushed.

J keeps challenging me to be proactive in this situation. Always handy with allagories and cryptomatic messages, he reminds me to not waste the talent God has given me.

I bide my time both here in this state and in this world. Maybe I have buried my talents. Maybe I have bitter envy.