Understanding Grace

Bombs keep dropping in my head...

Notice I said "in" not "on". There is nothing major happening. It is this thing I have had as long as I can remember. Some people hear their mother talking to them, some see dead people - I hear bombs, explosions, and gunfire. (I also hear the same phrase repeated over and over.) The bombs and voices have been fairly quiet the last couple of years. There have been days they are loud but they are getting fewer and further between. But they are always there.

My therepist (long ago) used to tell me it was "psychic pain", while labeling me with bi-polar, dysthemia, and borderline personality disorder. Never one to be labeled, I knew somewhere deep down that there was more to life than just exsisting and this caused the "psychic pain". In reality the less I believed and trusted in Jesus, the louder and more pronounced depression and acting out became. I couldn't reconcile what God said life should be with my experiences or those around me. I felt as if I was in an unreality all the time.

What changed all of this in a seemingly short amount of time (a couple of years compared to 26 years of being depressed) was the fact that I finally UNDERSTOOD. Understood what actually happened at calvary. Understood where I stood in light of it. Understood the beginnings of grace working in my life. I will never be the same.

The reason I am saying all this is more to remind myself that God has brought me out of this pit and the bombs are only temporary and a false alarm. I am discouraged but not despairing. Broken but not crushed. I know that I need only to focus on Him who bore my sin and failings and the One who loves me.